On Friday, the monster would not sleep.
We rocked, I sang and we rocked some more.
Repeated at 10 pm, 12, 1 and 4 am.

Saturday night was better.
Only up twice through the night...
but she decided it was morning right before 6.

It was still dark outside.
I was tired...
and so was she.

By 9:30 that Sunday morning the monster was tired angry...
and so was I.

An attempt at putting her down for a nap
 resulted in breath holding and screaming.
So we went back to rocking, just hoping to get her to relax.

I was begging her to nap, so I could too.
Rocking and rocking - the frustration and headache were making me nuts.
Stringing complaints together in my head like links on a chain.

I haven't slept.
Your daddy slept.
Why do I always have to be the one to handle the monster's melt downs.

Poor, poor me.
Poor me, alone in here
talking to myself while the baby screams.

Please, please calm down monster so I can lay you down.
Please please please stop crying.

Pretty please... on and on.
All in my head until I realized how quiet it was.

She had stopped screaming.
She snuggled in closer and sighed.
A second later she was lights out.

As her body became dead weight, 
I realized how long it had been since I had held her like that.
Her head on my chest, listening to her deep sleepy breaths.

It had been months...

I remembered someone telling me when she was just days old...
"You shouldn't hold her when she sleeps, or she will never sleep on her own."


It had been months since she had slept on me...
and I knew that it will probably be longer until the next time.


I didn't put her in down.
I carried her to bed with me.

I napped a little.
Just enough to feel human...

But only just that much.
The rest of the time I stared and listened.

Enjoying her head on my shoulder...
rubbing her back with the arm that wasn't numb and asleep.

Thankful that sleepless nights had made this happen.
Knowing that it is a season of our lives that is flying by...

Lucky me.


Sandra Kohlmann said...

It is lovely that you found such beauty in a tough situation. I often get frustrated when my girls won't go to sleep, and I just want to be able to get a couple things done before the end of the night. Then they fall asleep in my arms and I don't want to put them in their cribs, so I just sit there and enjoy it. Who cares about chores, right?

Rici said...

I hope you are somewhat rested now. It's bittersweet that we have reached the point in their lives that the cuddles are so few and far between but it makes us cherish them all the more!

Lindsay said...

Just came across your adorable blog! I love it :) This can be so hard, Sleep is a must in my house! :)

em said...

Moments like that, though tough, make you realize the importance of all the little things, and makes you appreciate everything just a little bit more. Hopefully more sleep is headed your way!

Kelly said...

I love how you put the things I am feeling down in words. I get so frustrated with Carter when he won't sleep but then we get those few precious moments where he falls asleep on me and I can soak up all of his baby goodness.

Susan said...

Oh, this too shall pass.

Your girls are beautiful.

Great shots mom...

Jessica said...

i needed this...my son is not sleeping....and it's something about no rest that kils my patience...it's a short season and I'm blessed to be the one that puts him to bed...over and over. thank you.

Melanie said...

Oh my sweet Nessa... this is simply beautiful. You are an amazing mommy my dear.

hannah singer said...

i love this. embracing these seasons is key, i think.
thanks so much for sharing!

and cute pics;)

Jami said...

This made me tear up! I really saw me in this. The frustration at being the one "up all night" with whoever can't sleep. While reading this I realized how long it has been since I've held one of my children til they fall asleep. Actually makes me a little sad. Hope you are well!xoxo

angie on maui said...

This is so beautifully written and so powerful. You really have a gift with words. I love that what was originally a less-than-ideal situation instead turned out to be a blessing and a moment of bonding which I am sure you won't soon forget.

You are lucky, indeed. :)

rachel said...

charlie did the same thing last night and it was so weird because normally he is a great sleeper. he was up 3 or 4 times last night until I finally just brought him to bed with me where he tossed and turned all night. today he has the green snot, so must be fighting something. grace thinks we should get our birthday buddies matching t-shirts. : )

Lindsay said...

rock away, mama! those nights are tough and it's hard to remember the blessings when we are caught in the middle of the sleep battle. but rock away and enjoy those snuggles!

Carol said...

Moved to tears by this. I know this feeling, Nessa. And sometimes I beg for my little to just let me rock her....instead she says "I go bed now." Your days are surely numbered. I'm glad you took some time to breathe it in.

Esther said...

sometimes its best to hold them. i love when jake-the-snake comes over to me and (for a split second) puts his head on my chest. but then... just like that... he's off and running again. your kids are adorable. enjoy themm!