dear deedle

written January 27, 2014

Dear Deedle Bean,

So my plan to wait on testing again until today didn't work so well.  I blame the cheap amazon tests for that.  I have a pile of strips and a series of tiny bit darker lines.  Today I took a real test.  The ones that swear their accuracy to 99%. There were two bright pink lines, no squinting or special lighting required.  

I am telling your daddy tomorrow.  It's Eva's birthday, and we are heading to dinner at our family's special celebrating place.  The place where we celebrate all our birthdays, half birthdays, big news and tests with two pink lines.  It is tradition and it's going to be a great day.  

Love, 

your momma 

written January 28, 2014

Dear Deedle Bean, 

Your daddy is over the moon and your sister says you are a girl.  Sharing her birthday with the news she's going to have another baby sibling didn't phase her a bit.  When I asked her "what if the baby is a brother?" She said, "but it's not."  She's a very confident big sister.

I am just glad to know your there.  Growing and happy cell dividing.  I am going to eat gelato for you - hope you like it.

Love, 

your mama

written February 8, 2014

Dear Deedle Bean,

I was out shopping the other day and saw the cutest baby outfit.  I held it up and thought for sure it was a newborn size... but no it was 6 months.  How quickly I forget the tiny newborn phase!

I am  up in the air, heading to Colorado to help your Auntie Liz and snuggle her brand new baby girl.  I am sure I will be thinking of you a lot this trip.  

You're still a pretty quiet feeder/grower in there - I have only tossed my cookies a few times.  Aside from the more frequent bathroom trips - there hasn't been too much more notably different.  Thank goodness the woman beside me is nice on the plane.  After making her let me out to the restroom every 30 minutes or so on this flight - she is still smiling at me.  

Leaving your daddy, sister and brother for this trip was harder than I thought.  I had been looking forward to reading, sipping a coffee and relaxing so much.  Then today came and a part of me, the huge mommy/wife part, was incredibly sad at the thought of leaving.

Knowing that there are two of us on this flight makes me feel a little better.  Happy first plane ride.

Love, 

your momma

dear deedle

Written January 24, 2014

I did this "day in the life post" that day.

This coffee bean would not be swept up... 

I took a picture because it made me think of a tiny you.

Dear Deedle Bean, 

We have been trying for you.  It was early. After a few minutes - nothing.  A little ache in my heart, but I wasn't expecting it really - just hoping.

I got dressed and came back, went to toss the test and then I saw it... there was a faint second line.  So very faint that I thought my eyes were playing tricks.  I took the test to the window, angled it this way and that way, squinted and even brought out the flashlight on my phone.  

My heart skipped beats then it filled them in at like horses galloping.  

There, in an almost barely visible pink line, was a maybe you.  I took two more tests to compare.  Thank goodness for the bag full of cheapies I bought on amazon.  Back to the windows and again the flashlight.  Yes, Deedle Bean, your mamma might be a little crazy.  Sorry about that.

I tried not to get too excited.  You see, last month I had this same moment.  A faint line and few days of excitement and planning how to tell your daddy.  A week later - instead of a darker line - the line disappeared.  

So here I was on the peak of being so very hopeful and trying not to get my hopes up....  What to do?  I started cleaning.  That is my answer to almost every emotional conflict - clean.

I busied my mind and got the house in ship shape.  Your sisters birthday party is tomorrow and I have a lot to do.  I took photos of our "normal" day and folded laundry.  I tried to keep the silly smile off my face and the ribbon of fear out of my heart.  

But laying here in bed tonight, I can't help but grin from ear to ear.  Stay snug.

Love,

Your hope filled Mamma

stowaway

We had a little stowaway with us on our trip.

We snuck through security and customs and no one caught us.

Good thing it was a tiny thing.

We are 16 weeks today and really excited.

Deedle #3 updates and posts to come.

Sitting Still

Dear Deedle,

It was pouring rain and rumbling thunder outside.

Random bits of sunshine breaking though only made the storm a little louder.

Eva was sleeping and we were alone.

Instead of rushing around getting things done during nap time...

I sat still for a while.

Now that we are so close to the end, I realize how the memories fade.

I try to recall these last days with Eva and it is so fuzzy.

I had my eye on the prize, and my head was living in the future.

I have been catching myself back there again...

in that waiting place.

Only thinking about you in the future.

Getting to that amazing point where I am meeting you.

You gave us quite a jolt the other day.

Hours of contractions - one right after another.

Every 5 minutes, just like a little stop watch.

I will say, I was disappointed when it stopped.

I am so excited to meet you...

to see you meet your daddy and your sister.

But it did make me realize some things.

It will be here before I know it.

You will be here so soon.

And before then, before things are just right and ready...

I have a lot of things to hang onto.

Things to really enjoy and not rush through.

Little kicks and feeling body parts.

Snuggles with your sister and alone time with her.

Getting big grins and smiles when people see my belly.

Answering questions about when you are due - they can tell it is soon.

Bumping your daddy with my belly when we hug.

So, Deedle I am going to stop waiting as much.

Time is going faster than I realize.

The perfect time for you to be here is getting closer by the minute

But in the mean time...

I am going to do some more enjoying and memory making.

See you soon.

Love Mommy

Waiting

On Friday we had a check-up for me and Deedle.

All was well, and things are happening.

It was a great big reminder that this whole labor things can happen at any moment...

and I better get in gear.

I packed our bags and started working on the lists.

Michael, Eva and I went to visit friends yesterday.

We got to meet the newest, and sweetest addition to our group of friends and catch up with everyone.

Babies and toddlers everywhere.

It is about a 2 hour drive from home.

We were about an hour and a half into the drive...

and I started having some contractions.

They came and went.

A few in a row were 6 minutes apart on the dot...

but then they started jumping around and slowed down.

Last night, Michael and I were up for about 2 hours timing contractions.

They were really regular...

so much so that our hearts were pumping and we started to make a plans for Eva.

We went to bed to get some rest.

Around 3 am they slowed and then stopped...

and I realized how little control I have over all of this.

I never had these moments with Eva.

I was put on bedrest and then induced.

No contraction timing...

no wondering, "Is this it?  Is this the real thing?"

Looking over at the empty bassinet, wondering if a baby would be there soon.

I walked in to Labor and Delivery knowing that when I left, I would have a baby.

Somehow, someway.

I feel kinda like a newbie.

Google searching and wondering.

I know it will all happen in its own time.
Deedle will arrive at the perfect time...
no wondering or worrying required.

So in the mean time Deedle...

I am going to keep list checking and trying to stay busy.

And try not to bite my nails and watch the clock.

36 Weeks

This is my last week working.

The part-time return to my old job has been fun...

and it was perfect timing.

A return to my pre-mommy time - different brain parts required.

A little extra income for baby Deedle things.

And a reminder as to how complicated working an hour from home can be.

Another fun things about work...

there is room to do belly-photo shots in the bathroom.

I can't believe I am 36 weeks pregnant.

And then I look down at my swollen ankles...

today is the first day they have swelled... how fitting.

From the front - I am not so impressive...

then I turn sideways.

That is when the comments come.

You must be due any day.

You will never make it to July.

Look at that watermelon belly.

Deedle is sticking way out there.

I had to move the seat back in the car...

I even had to back the car out of the garage and repark the other day.

I was too close on my side in the garage and couldn't squeeze out.

Dear Deedle,

You are moving like crazy.

Body parts are poking and jutting out.

You almost scared the grocery cashier to death the other day.

 You completed one of your high kick round-house moves...

he went ghostly pale and jumped back away from the counter.

I thought he was going to faint...

"Is it coming out... are you okay?"

One more week and I am giving you the green light...

head on this way when ever you are ready.

We can't wait to meet you.

I have been getting things ready for you.

There are piles of clean clothes and diapers.

Bags are out and I even have a few things packed.

Next week is my crunch time.

I have list of to-do's and I am ready to get them checked off.

See you soon.

Love Mommy


Joining: Happiness is...

Dear Deedle

32 weeks Deedle.

Humming right along.

Well, humming sounds slow.

Feels more like racing.

You are so active.

Your punches and kicks have been really creeping people out. 

The guy at the grocery went pale when multiple body parts came jabbing out toward him.

I promised him you wouldn't be crawling out...

I don't think that helped.

You big sister is not a fan of my disappearing lap.

She told you the other day while I was holding her...

Move baby Deedle. Move.

As she pushed on my belly....

first one side and then the other.

Fair warning, I think she might be a little bit bossy.

She calls you baby Deedle.

Once you have a real name even, I think Deedle might be hard to shake.

It makes me grin every time she says it.

We are so excited to meet you.

Just a little bit longer.

Love you,

Us

Everyday

Dear Deedle,

Life hums along so quickly.

Weekends fly by and then here comes Monday.

Start checking things of the to-do list.

Running here and there.

Adding more to the list than you take off.

Hold an ice pack on the Eva-monsters head...

read her a story.

The same zoo story over and over.

Then bam.

You stop me in my tracks.

A flurry of kicks or elbow jabs.

A complete somersault.

Or a thrift store onesie appears in the laundry.

It happens so many times a day.

But somehow I still get completely blown away that you are on your way.

At first I felt a guilty.

Not having all this time to think about you.

To talk to just you.

But I know you hear me talking.

Hear the stories I read to your sister.

I hope you like the zoo book too, because you hear that one a lot.

It has already happened I guess.

The time splitting that naturally does...

 when you go from one to more than one.

I wondered how it worked.

And it is happening already.

You are just fitting in.

Becoming a part of our everyday.

So keep doing those somersaults...

soon things are going to get too tight for that.

While your at it...

go ahead and put your head south.

That would be really helpful.

Just know I am loving you always.

And amazed by you too.

Joining: Communal Global and Sweet Shot

Leap

Today, I took a leap of faith.

Well, it was more of a...

I have no other option, what has to be done has to be.

Dear God please help me...

kinda of a leap.

I took the Monster to the doctor with me.

Just me and her - and Deedle too.

She has went a few times before.

Let just say, things didn't go well.

She screams when anyone touches me.

And she wants to be held.

It is tricky to hold a squirmy monster...

especially when you are having your blood taken or your belly measured.

Today, she did so great.

She sat right beside in me in the waiting room.

Sipping her juice and talking about the babies photos on the wall.

She just held my hand while I had my blood pressure taken.

Had nurses and doctors stopping in to hear her sing her ABC's

When my doctor listened to the baby's heartbeat...

My Baby-Deedle knock-knock Mommy?

I almost had a water fall of tears.

My Baby-Deedle.

Yes Monster... your Baby-Deedle.

Joining: Project52 : A Great Leap

Week 9 of 52

A Foot

Dear Deedle,

Hi little one.

This morning, I woke up early.

I sat in bed and watched the sun come up over the trees.

You were awake too...

stretching, dancing, rolling around.

I could see you making bumps and waves on the outside of my belly.

We talked.

I poked you back.

Sang you a song and said a little prayer.

You had your big check-up last week.

It was so amazing.

Everything is just right.

They surprised us with a 3D peak at you.

We had never seen an ultrasound like that.

Your little mouth and nose look just like your big sister's.

That little pout is the one she makes when she is asleep.

Her mouth doesn't relax like that very often, otherwise.

You also have a nice sized head.

It was measuring almost 2 weeks ahead of schedule.

The rest of you was right on track or a few days behind.

There is your little foot and toes.

You spent sometime using my bladder as a trampoline.

Those exact words of the ultrasound technician.

No wonder I always running to the bathroom.

Grow grow grow little one.

And move that head south, feet north...kay?

Love you tons and tons.

Joining: Communal Global and Sweet Shot

Half Way

Thank you Rachel for the motivation to finally make this.

Dear Deedle,

I was surfing around some favorite places and saw what Rachel made.

It was one of the many ideas that I had saved - and just never did anything about.

The monster was napping and I decided - now or never.

I had wanted to make something special for your daddy, 

and this fit the bill perfectly.

So I got to work.

10 minutes later I had settled on a font and started adding dates.

Then I added your due date...

and it made me stop.

All those days were such big ones...

and all together they are making such a wonderful story.

Isn't amazing how a few numbers in a row can mean so many things?

Love, life, a family.

20

That is the number of weeks you have been growing...

and that is how many more weeks that we have until we meet you.

We are halfway little one.

I know that things are a bit different this time around.

I haven't picked out a baby book for you.

We are behind in reading all the updates on how your reflexes are doing...

and this 20 week milestone crept up on me...

 and had me a little surprised.

I don't have drawers od tiny outfits washed and waiting.

Your bassinet is still at your grandparents.

But there are some great things about me now...

so different this time around.

You are getting a well trained mommy and daddy.

I am not worried at all about how we will take care of you.

I know we can.

 And we aren't half bad at it.

I am not scared this time...
not the tiniest bit.

I know how amazing you are going to be.

How perfect your tiny toes are going to look.

 I won't sleep for a while...

but I know that it will be just fine.

Because, I know how beautiful newborns look in the first light of the morning...

and how fast those days will go.

I know that we will be spending the first few weeks just getting to know you.

Figuring out what you like.

You will teach us.

Your favorite way to be rocked, bounced or jiggled to sleep.

When you like to eat and your favorite songs.

I also know...

how it will feel brand new and like you always belonged.

And how much in love we will be.

So happy 1/2 way little one.

Love, 

Daddy, mommy and the Eva-monster.

Joining: Project52 : True Love

Hello

Dear Deedle,

I was just sitting here sorting through some files.

Cleaning... I think nesting has begun early. 

And you decided to say hello.

Tiny little thumps from the inside.

Stronger than they have been before.

I broke out in giggles.

And started talking to you.

Thump thump  

hi sweetie  

thump thump 

 how are things in there?  

thump thump

good, well things are good out here

thump thump

a little push with my hand...

thump thump thump

I wouldn't, couldn't move...

afraid it would stop.

It was very timely.

You see, your mommy is a huge klutz...

and she fell down the stairs yesterday.  

I landed on my butt, elbow and head...

and rode those body parts the rest of the way down.

I am so sore...

but nothing hurts close to you.

But I was a little worried.

And of course you were quiet last night...

probably comfy and cozy sleeping away.

So, hello back little one.

It was wonderful to talk to you.

Our first conversation was amazing.

Love, Mommy


  


Joining: Wordful Wednesday

Happy peas

On a hook in Eva's room, hangs her coming home outfit.

Happy litte pea sleeper and a tiny green hat.

It is really the second outfit she came home in...

from our return visit to the hospital.

But, for me it is the one I remember most.

It was bright and sunny outside and I felt good again.

It was so big on her...

and we thought it was the tiniest outfit ever.

Oh my goodness... look how tiny my monster is!

Yesterday, when I was reading to Eva at nap time...

I looked up and it was hanging right in front of me.

No different than any other day,

but for the first time, it struck me that it would be coming down in a few months.

Getting washed and packed in a bag to take to the hospital...

 and bring home another tiny Deedle.

All I could do was smile.

Joining: Communal Global, Happiness Project and 

Sweet Shot Tuesday

Lucky

Today I asked you if you wanted a brother or a sister...
you said sister.


Then I asked you again and you said, "Me sister, me brother."
I don't think you know what we are talking about.
But that is okay.


You do know that we keep calling you "big sister".
And you are going to be a great one...
to a little sister or little brother.


Lucky Deedle.


Week 2 of 52:  52 Faces project and Styleberry 
Firecracker Mama • Wicked Kate • What We're Saying
Also joining: Happiness is...

Moments

•••

Yesterday was a hard mommy day and, for once, it wasn't because I was feeling horrible...

I was feeling just fine in fact.

The monster was a real monster.

Whining, yelling, crying, hitting kicking.

Throwing her self down on the the floor and being dead weight.

By the time 7:00 hit, I was spent.

I felt completely defeated and useless.

•••

Today was better... kinda.

This morning while I was getting her shoes in her closet...

she ran into the bathroom and turned on the water.

Clothes drenched.

So I redressed her...

after wrestling, chasing, wrestling and chasing some more.

We were almost ready to leave and I was packing her lunch...

Then, I hear the laugh from the kitchen.

The special "I am doing something wrong" laugh.

She had reached her bowl of oatmeal (that she refused to eat for breakfast) off the counter.

It was mashed all over her head, in her hair and on her arms.

It was everywhere... even in her ear.

She had to have a bath to get it out.

That meant changing her clothes for the third time that morning.

•••

Right now she is happily playing in her kitchen...

cooking her baby in the oven and feeding Cookie Monster a mushroom.

When she is cooking in her kitchen she doesn't like when I touch things.

I get that.

•••

I love pomegranate. 

I want it all the time.

I went to two groceries today and there were none.

Is it out of season already?

Please say it isn't so.

•••

Deedle is the size of an apple.

It feels like I constantly am going to bathroom.

I think it is because of said apple.

It is making sneezing and laughing tricky.

Up Deedle up.

•••

I can for sure feel Deedle move around in there.

This is way, way before I felt Eva moving.

It is so awesome.

It makes me giggle and laugh...

and run to the bathroom.

Joining: Life of Love...

after seeing Mereidith's post... thanks.

Dear Deedle

Hi Deedle.

Seems like it has been forever since I wrote you.

The holidays went by with the speed of light...

and here we are, 14 weeks along.

Friday I heard your heartbeat.

 We saw it on the ultrasound a month ago...

but I just realized this morning that was the first time I heard you.

There have been moments where I think I feel you.

They are so fleeting and fast that I just can't be sure.

If that is you...

Hello sweetheart!

If you could, make it last a little bit longer for confirmation.

Last night laying on my stomach, I felt like there was something under me.

I felt around for a sock or a wad of blanket.

Nope... just you.

That was fun.

I giggled and told your daddy.

I had my first day of not getting sick on Friday.

Thanks a lot for that.

Even though I was sick Saturday morning...

it is good to know that a whole day is possible.

More shall be coming down the pipeline, I am sure.

I picked up these little outfits the other day while Eva and I were thrifting.

There is nothing like a gown and a onesie that shouts tiny newborn.

In the basement, there is a tub of clothes.

The unisex newborn goodness that we had for your big sister.

I went through it over the summer and made sure only the good stuff was left.

A big part of me wants to run and add your things to the closet.

Rearrange some drawers and furniture.

Make a place for you.

But you have a place right now...

and you need to stay there quite a bit longer.

So I will wait...

and be content with washing and folding a little gown and a tiny onesie.

Hang tight and wiggle some more.

Love you.

Patient

Written December 6, 2011

Ok little one...

Your big sister is napping.

I was babysitting for a friend and they just left.

And now I am bawling my eyes out.

Why one might ask?

Toy Story 3.

It is a good movie for a 4 year old who is sad about his mommy being gone.

It is also a sneaky emotional movie, especially when you are pregnant and hormonal.

Babies grow up.

They turn into little kids.

Little kids grow up and go to college.

I know you might not even have eyelashes yet, 

but before you blink you will be walking and talking.

With your sister, I was so impatient.

9 months seemed way too long to wait to meet her.

Although I am so excited to meet you...

I am fine with having you be all snuggled inside for right now.

Time will be over before I know it...

and I am rushing nothing this time.

However, I think my hormones are high enough okay?

These Christmas commercials are making me misty.

Tiny

Written: November 11, 2010

Dear Deedle,

So we are humming along at 6 weeks.

You are about the size of one of those delightful red berries. 

That seems way too tiny to me.

Too tiny for what you are.

A great, big, huge deal.

We haven't told many people.

Just a few friends because I can't hold the secret in.

We are going to surprise the family on Thanksgiving.

Everyone will be together and there will be great food to celebrate.


I am trying not to be nervous... not to worry.
Tell myself that everything will be as it should be.


Then I try to think of other things.
Your big sister will throw her lunch on the floor to help me out.

I will forget for a tiny split second that you are in there growing.

Then, I get a flash of your existence and it almost overwhelms me.

I have squealed out loud when this has happened.
And then I giggle.

You make us very happy.

In a name

Written November 8, 2011

Dear Deedle,

Deedle was your sister's name.

Her name as she grew from being microscopic to 7 pounds of joy.

It no longer fits her...

for she quickly grew into being our monster.

Deedle always belonged to the excitement of the unknown.

The little creature that we had in our lives growing day-by-day, 

but still felt like we hadn't been properly introduced.

It is our baby growing name.

Your name until we get to meet on the outside.

It served you big sister well.

That would describe you now little one...

and think the monster would want to pass on her previous title.

So Deedle, hello.

Hang tight and grow.

Much love,

Your Mommy, Daddy and the Eva Monster.

  

Oh My

Written: November 1, 2011
Catching up...

Okay little one... 

your daddy was right.

You are really on your way here.

I haven't told anyone yet.

It is weird being the only one who knows.

I am shaking.

I went to bed last night at 10.

I wanted to go to bed at 8.

I haven't kept down breakfast or lunch.

Dinner is cooking and it makes me feel awful to smell it.

I took a test on Friday and it was negative.
The one the next day was negative too.

It made me cry.

Today it was positive.

Two big pink lines.

I am still crying.

Eva is going to be a big sister.

She is a monster, but you will love her so much.

July 4, 2012...

that is my estimate.

I can't wait to tell your daddy.

I am so very excited.

He is going to be over the moon.

It is all he wanted for his birthday...

2 days after, but I don't think he will mind at all.