rain

I love storms.  The other night we had our first spring storm roll through.  Lightning, thunder, waves of rain that rise and blow.  The kids were in bed and Micheal was overnight in the hospital... so I sat outside and watched the magic.  

first window

I love my new kitchen.  There is so much room and space.  The kids can eat or play in there while I do dishes or cook.  It has more even space than I could ever possibly need.  There are empty drawers and shelves.  I am spoiled rotten.

Michael and I have had some tiny kitchens over the years.  Our very first apartment had a kitchen so tiny that you had to make a choice...  open the oven, open the fridge, have more than one person in there, or sit at our little dining table.  No two of these things could be done at the same time.  

Back then I had had about three meals I could cook.  Spaghetti, shake-n-bake chicken and grilled cheese.  A gifted Betty Crocker cookbook changed it all for me.  Chicken Marsala - the very first recipe I tried and we loved it.  It was  uncomplicated and only had a few special ingredients.  Cooking it made me feel fancy and eating it made us feel fancy - wine, mushrooms, and tarragon. 

And that is how it started.  Realizing that what I could make in that tiny kitchen could turn a normal night into something more than that.  Better than average.  I learned to love my tiny kitchen.  It taught me a lot.

I learned to put a baking sheet over the sink to give me extra counter space.  A few good pans were better than a huge set.  If I didn't use it or really need it - it was gone.

And here we are, 10 years later.  I have a lot more drawers, a ton more counter space, but things really haven't changed that much. Even though I thought it would.  I don't keep my slow cooker in the basement or my boxes of tea tucked in a mixing bowl anymore.  Things have room to breath and I have empty drawers.  Don't get me wrong, the space in amazing.  Being able to have everyone in the kitchen when I cook - I love that.  Love it.  But looking back I don't think I would give up my time in all those tiny kitchens.  

It was good to me.  I learned way more than cooking.  I learned that we love food and I love to cook.  I learned how to make do, make it work, and how I only really need one of something.  That keeping things in the oven is a great storage solution - until your forget to check it before preheating.  I learned that a really sharp knife can replace an entire row of cool gadgets.

There is one thing in my new kitchen that I have never had.  The thing that I may never be able to give up.  A window over the sink.   I get to start my day hearing the birds and seeing the early morning fog burn slowly away as the sun comes up.  Seeing the sky change colors as the morning starts... I love it so much I can barely stand it.

boxes

So it has been two weeks and the dust is settling.

I am finding the bottom of the boxes and the the things buried in them are finding new homes.

We finally have working internet and (kinda) working cell phones.

Our house is a strange cell phone brown hole... not fun.

We are still calling our home the "new house " and referring to the "old house" often.

Even though there is someone already moved in and making it theirs...

 it's really hard to imagine.

Eva asked for a map while we were driving the other day...

 so she could know where we were, where we were going and when to tell me to turn.

I know how she feels.

Being surrounded by your things...

but all of them are in a new spot, on a new wall and in a new room.

It is like a weird deja vu.

It has been really good too.

To stretch out and find new things.

A new grocery, new parks, new playdates, a place for tacos and picking new favorites.

We are here, in our new house...

slowly making it our home.

freeze and fever

A polar vortex - the term the local news has on auto repeat. 

It is the excuse for every nasty day of weather.

The one to blame for wind chill temperatures that are minus double digits.

Cold, snow and ice.

It has been a long winter everywhere. 

This is normally the time of year that I start itching for sunshine and a few signs of life.

Spring fever always hits mid-February and lasts until we get a breakthrough day of warmth.

Usually that day or two a month in March and April has to hold us out until May.

After a freezing day of car starting, kid loading, preschool drop off, grocery stores times two...

I was cursing February and wishing it all away.

Theodore fell asleep in the car, so I pulled into a park to sit and sulk.

Pretty pathetic, I know.

There are a lot of things that this Spring and Summer are bringing our way.

A big anniversary, family vacation, big move and so much more.

But really the snow is pretty.

The world is kind of magic-like covered in white and shades of blue.

It was hard for me to sit back and enjoy a sleeping toddler and the sharp cold air.

Stopping myself from wishing for the days to come and just trying to get through the days of now.

But I did.

I sat and appreciated it in all its frigid glory.

Coffee and some good music helped.

And I also got a complete understanding of the reason behind February's 28 days...

most of us wouldn't make it much longer.

Happy Birthday to my Brother Justin...

truly that last good thing on the calendar this month!

this year

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
Laozi

I read that and it stuck with me.

Let go.

Then I wrote a great big long post trying to say what I meant perfectly...
but really it didn't say what I meant at all.

When am I going to learn - I am not great with a lot of words.

SO this year I want to let go of a lot of things.
Worrying, perfection, being scared.

And stuff.
I need to let go of a lot of stuff.

Thats it.

Oh and exercise more consistently - and not get frustrated when I just can't.
Can't be left off the band wagon on that one.

thoughts on having enough

All the leaves have fallen and there is snow on the ground.
Thanksgiving is only a few days away. 
And there are Christmas trees being stacked up in the parking lot.

I started my gift list yesterday.
It is hard to make a list of gift ideas for everyone we love.  

Finding them something they will like.
Well, not just like, really love.
The gift that they will wonder how they ever got by without it before.

That perfect gift, on super sale
 and found at the little store around the corner or with free overnight delivery.

I know I have big dreams and grand illusions for my gift giving.

While out there hunting - I am getting bombarded.
Shopping for others is making my want list grow and grow.

I really don't want to want anything.
Does anybody really?

Coupons and deals are trying to trick me into buying more...
can't let that super cash go to waste.
Genius custom ads are popping up...
 and I am clicking over - making them smarter.
E-mails giving me the heads-up on the greatest sale on boots...
but I don't need that sale or the boots.
Pretty blogs with huge lists of links to the cutest things...
that I didn't know I needed (or existed) until they told me..

So I am making an effort.

Getting rid of all those sale emails
Unsubscribing from the deals.
Skipping blogs that have all the must-have lists and links
Deleting the apps for all the deals-of-the-day.

Shopping with intention for only those people on my list.
Focusing on the people I want to make happy.
Finding a gift that shows my love... perfect or not.

Doing my best to ignore the voice that is saying I might miss out on something...
and all of the voices in the world telling me that I most definitely am.

 the newest must-have
 the greatest outfit in stores
the most amazing deal in history
the largest sale ever
the lowest price on record
best and brightest thingamabob that will certainly change my life for the better.

It is all a trick.
Get it on sale now or pay more later.
That things make us happy, and more of them make us even happier.
That we aren't good enough.

It is exhausting.
And both my children rarely ever sleep through the night.

Because I am really, truly not missing out on anything...
except for maybe the all the really good things that can't be put on sale.

I have more than I need.
 And as Goodwill donations center will tell you...
 even more than I want.

And it is really about time that I stop letting other people tell me different.

a sneak up on me good day

We have been having a good day.

Theo is napping and Eva is pretending to be a magician and painting at the same time.

I spent the morning filling some jars with good stuff for later.

My parents just left and had good news from the doc on my moms ticker.

It is stronger, healthier and she is doing well.

Some major answered prayers there.

Michael sent me flowers.

Or depending on who you ask, daddy may have sent Eva flowers.

Just because he loves us.

I started today not wanting to start it.

Head cold or allergies.

Rough night of sleep.

Facing all day and night with out Michael because he is on-call.

Nutty kiddos that seem to have found the never ending source of energy...

and are grumpy about it at the same time.

But sitting here watching my daughter paint her nails with watercolor...

I can't wipe the smile off my face.

When it rains

When it rains, it pours.

I have been hearing that a lot lately.

And I have been feeling that a lot lately.

The good stuff.

The bad stuff.

The even better than good stuff.

It all seems to be coming in great big storms.
It is raining buckets and I am soaked.

I am finding myself falling behind. 

I have a half dozen piles of laundry...

and a basket that I am still on the fence on if it is clean or dirty.

Dishes in the sink and some major organizing needing done.

The weather, excluding today, has us outside until bedtime has come and gone.

Dusting ourselves off and soaking up the vitamin D.

I have books I want to read, friends I need to write and voices I want to hear.
Family to visit, places to go and errands to run.

I have pictures to edit, photos to take and post to catch up on.

My sewing machine has been begging.

The garden is calling my name.

And my littles are growing faster than I can stand.

I am spending more time in the kitchen.
More time breaking a sweat.

This blog world can be so many things.

Bringing you closer to people you would never meet.

Teaching you things you might never learn.

But it also a lot of maybes...

Maybe I will make that recipe.

Maybe I will try that cleaning tip.

Maybe I will meet her someday.

Maybe...

Right now I am going to have to pass on the maybe's.

I have way to many sure things coming my way.

I am going to keep posting.

I think the chronicles of our not-so-exciting life will be a great thing for my littles.

I already love reading old posts.

But not really reading as much if at all.

And not saying hi as often.

Not because I wouldn't love to...

But because there are paper books to read.

Plants to tend to and grass stains to be made.

Clothes to fold and to be passed on.

In-the-flesh family and friends to call, write and visit.

Because Eva's pants are growing too short and Theodore has six teeth.

We have rain walks to take and puddles to jump in.
In this busy rainy season, I need to keep getting wet.

Leaves and Jars

Dear Leaves

Please hang on tight a few more weeks.

I can't get enough of all the colors.

And then there is that smell - fall leaves smell.

Dear Mother Nature

Thank you for all the days with windows wide open.

And please let the weather man be wrong.

He says snow next week, just in time for trick-or-treat.

Show him who is boss.

Dear Slightly Chubby Baby Theodore Thighs

Because of you, we are out of the 4th percentile and rocking the 13th.

We officially have a big roll and I would love some more.

Dear Hometown Grocery Store

I appreciate that you have not moved a single item since I was little.

You may have only one of everything, but you still have at least one.

If I forget something, it is only a few steps away.

Dear Pumpkin Butter

Where have you been all my life?

How did we miss each other in the love-of-all-things-fall-and-cinnamony?

I ate you on toast and on a waffle this morning.

Oh yeah, and straight off the spoon.

Relief

Back a few months ago, Theodore had his very first bottle.

Eva fed him most of it.

I had a few days of frozen milk...

and dreams of a night away in a few months.

Then Theodore's weight problems hit.

Looking back, I see what went wrong.

Theodore was never an effective feeder. 

Although he had a great latch from the delivery room...

he would take so SO long to eat.

Newborn nursing sessions are usually long, but he never sped up.

Each feeding was lasting about 45 minutes.

I should have looked into that.

I wanted to get a stash built up from the very beginning.

I pumped twice a day and packed those ounce away.

My goal was to have a few days stashed.

After I had a supply built up in the freezer, I stopped pumping.

I have a love/hate relationship with the pump after going back to work when Eva was tiny.

I should have kept pumping.

Theodore was a sleeper.

I would have to wake him up most of the time to eat.

Once he was eating he would still try to sleep.

I wanted to let him eat on-demand, 

forcing the issue only after hours had gone by.

I should have fed him on a schedule.

This was my second go-round.

I wasn't a first-timer, I had done this before.
I felt like a pro.

I had a lot more confidence and worried less.

And, I had busy toddler that kept my mind off all the little things that were there.

I should have worried more and patted myself on the back less.

So here I am with a lot of things I should have done and it all added up...

to Theodore not taking in as much as he should.

to our little man being too little.

to my supply dropping to almost nothing.

to pumping and feeding around the clock to build it back.

to unfreezing all those ounces of milk and giving them by bottle.

to me counting ever ounce - of milk and of gained weight.

Yesterday, Theodore's dinner feed was followed by a bottle as usual...

but it was half formula.

This is not where I hoped to go.

Not what I planned.

I felt like a huge failure.

Not that I think feeding your baby formula is anything close to failing.

Formula or breast milk - both are good for baby.

Both grow babies into healthy crazy toddlers.

I felt like a huge failure before that moment.

What it came down to was that I didn't do what I had planned...

I breastfed Eva without much trouble, and yet I was battling this time.

Up all hours of the night and stressing all day.

Most importantly, I wasn't growing Theodore the way he should be grown.

The most important job I had - to keep him growing and healthy...

and I wasn't getting the job done.

I was failing him.

Feeding him that bottle, something that I thought would be so hard...

was actually a relief.

When a trail dribbled down his chin...

I didn't think about those precious drops going to waste and stress about there not being enough.

I smiled and watched it soak his shirt.

He will still be mostly nursed and I am going to keep working on my supply.

But I don't have to worry anymore.

I can skip a pumping session and play outside instead.

I can sleep a little more at night and be a better mommy and wife.

I can spill a bottle of milk and not cry.

I can stop being so hard on myself and enjoy this little squishy baby time.

I can let this image go of the "perfect" way go
and do what is perfect for us, for him.

I can grow this little man into a crazy toddler.

It feels like I can breath deep again.

It is all going to be just fine.

Greet and enjoy

Somedays you just need to remember 
that even when it doesn't feel like it,

the sunshine is just a reach away.

And take a lesson from a creature much wiser than you...

When you do find it,
you should do whatever you can...

to put your whole self in a position
to thoroughly greet and enjoy it.

Still Life

I took this photo playing with some settings on my camera.
When I went to delete it - I realized there was so much in that photo.
Daily life stuff.

Camera bag - open and empty.
Weights - I managed to fit in a workout, but just half of one.
Books - ones I want to read, but haven't even cracked.
A big green box - full of bottles and pump parts, lid ajar from frequent opening.
Baby monitor that is unplugged - he is rarely far enough away to use it.
Hair brush - because I normally fix, well at least brush my hair while Eva eats breakfast.
Vases - one a wedding gift and the other an anniversary gift from Michael - both make me smile.

Then me...
blurry and a little fuzzy in the background.
Wearing Theodore and getting ready to take Eva to the park.

Little bits of life.

Cupcakes

Do you know what that is?

A cupcake?

No, not just any ordinary cupcake.

It is a pumpkin cupcake with maple cream cheese frosting.

I know, right?

Amazing.

Some wonderful and very thoughful people that I consider family, surprised me for my birthday.

Lucky, lucky me.

It has been almost two weeks and I am still thinking about them.

And how I left 4 cupcakes in their fridge.

Oh how I miss them...

the cupcakes and the friends.

Waiting

On Friday we had a check-up for me and Deedle.

All was well, and things are happening.

It was a great big reminder that this whole labor things can happen at any moment...

and I better get in gear.

I packed our bags and started working on the lists.

Michael, Eva and I went to visit friends yesterday.

We got to meet the newest, and sweetest addition to our group of friends and catch up with everyone.

Babies and toddlers everywhere.

It is about a 2 hour drive from home.

We were about an hour and a half into the drive...

and I started having some contractions.

They came and went.

A few in a row were 6 minutes apart on the dot...

but then they started jumping around and slowed down.

Last night, Michael and I were up for about 2 hours timing contractions.

They were really regular...

so much so that our hearts were pumping and we started to make a plans for Eva.

We went to bed to get some rest.

Around 3 am they slowed and then stopped...

and I realized how little control I have over all of this.

I never had these moments with Eva.

I was put on bedrest and then induced.

No contraction timing...

no wondering, "Is this it?  Is this the real thing?"

Looking over at the empty bassinet, wondering if a baby would be there soon.

I walked in to Labor and Delivery knowing that when I left, I would have a baby.

Somehow, someway.

I feel kinda like a newbie.

Google searching and wondering.

I know it will all happen in its own time.
Deedle will arrive at the perfect time...
no wondering or worrying required.

So in the mean time Deedle...

I am going to keep list checking and trying to stay busy.

And try not to bite my nails and watch the clock.

Summer

warm cotton candy

catch fire flies

festivals

bon fire

ice cream

play in the rain

parade

new playground

sparklers

fire works

pool time

watermelon

picnic

outdoor concert

see a real grumbly cave

pick strawberries

road trip

aquarium

family photos
snow cone

boat ride

play in a stream

meet Deedle

I know the first day of summer is already here.

But for me, it is June, July and August.

I split all the seasons up by month.

It feels better that way.

So here is our list.

Nothing hard or complicated...

just the good stuff.

Flasher

So we went to dinner tonight.

Great food.

Heading out, I made a quick run to the ladies' room.

I am always making a quick run there these days.

It is all the way around the restaurant...

past the bar and through another room of tables.

I pass a birthday party.

Say hi to a little boy who waves.

Hurry it up in the bathroom...

and I am out in a flash.

This time the little boy shows me his toy.

More people are arriving at the birthday party, so I get stuck.

With my belly, I have to turn and twist to make it through all the tables.

Finally make it to the bar.

The bartender, who has visited our table on the patio throughout dinner, stops me.

She noticed my belly, now that I wasn't sitting down.

We are chatting.

She is a few months pregnant.

Really excited and has her first ultrasound tomorrow.

Then a lady comes up behind me and tugs my skirt from behind.

Oh honey... it was all tucked up in your undies.

A big breeze I didn't realize was there, disappears.

I turn around...

and so does the entire birthday party and the other tables of people.

Well all except the little boy - he waved.

I thought my face might explode from blushing.

Thank you nice lady.

At least I didn't make it to the parking lot.

    

     

Crave

This is all Deedle...

and I have to say, my first ever weird pregnancy craving.

Weird for me that is.

With Eva, I had cravings.

But they were always for something I already loved.

Clementines...

yeah I ate them by the crate full.

But I loved them before and still do.

This this is not me.

I don't eat bananas.

And ice cream...

I like it okay, but in tiny doses.

And much to Michael's dismay...

I never crave it.

Oh but I crave this....

Peanut butter, ice cream and bananas.

And I only want it at night.

Did I mention...

there are chocolate chips in there too?

Heaven help me.

Joining: Communal Global and Sweet Shot

Loving

I am loving...

the sun streaming in the windows.

making my pre-Deedle to-do list of things to sort and clean.

crossing one of those things off the huge list already.

that I have a little less than three months to get everything else crossed off finished.

hearing Eva sing from her crib... even though she should be napping.

unexpected mornings with Michael, even just for an extra hour.

the apple-cinnamon smell lingering from making granola and oatmeal last night.

coming up with fun things to hide in Easter eggs for Eva to find.

that Eva has been to the park more times than there are days this past week.

my short grocery list since my freezer is well stocked.

the morning spent playing/talking with friends not see in a while.

drinking sun tea and seeing another batch outside brewing.

Happy Easter!

Hope yours is filled with sunshine.

  

About religion

I share a lot here...

but not a everything.

One of the things that I rarely speak of is my faith.

Partly because I treat this space as a kinda scrapbook...

Just snapshots and triggers to hold a memories.

More of us as a family, and my part in it... 

less about the just me.

And because it is such a tricky thing... religion.

it is kinda touchy.

it is really personal.

it can be inclusive and exclusive.

it can be judgmental.

it is such and individual journey... faith.

I am not, and may never be... 

a person that feels like I am authoritative enough to write about it.

Not in the beautiful transparent way others do.

In my own journey through this life, it has ebbed and flowed...

grown and shrank and grown again.

I am finally making it to a place where I am confident in what I believe.

A stronger, more settled faith that feels good.

One that is just right for me.

I finally have a little etching of who God is...

who He is to me and what that means.

He is a lot bigger than I thought before.

I always knew He was huge.

But I had always tried to put it all in a neat little box.

Defined and scripted.

Black and white.

True and not true...

tied in perfect little bow.

When something didn't fit, didn't feel right.

I thought that something was wrong.

With me, with others, with my church, with God.

It made me question things I didn't have to.

Worry about things that I shouldn't.

I am in a different place now.

I have found what is true and right for me.

Growing into a lovely place in my beliefs and my faith.

I have found my small part of this bigger God.

He is way bigger in this human world than I thought before.

Complex and varied...

Grays and rainbow colors.

A lot less wrongs and a lot more rights.

What is fits for me, doesn't have to fit for anyone else.

It is all just right... however it is packaged.

He is bigger than that box...

bigger than I can understand.

Like the wind, or water...

He fills in the spots that are made for Him.

He just fits.

And like a winding river...

lake or puddle after a hard rain...
like the expansive ocean.

The spaces he fills are different for everyone.

Some peoples' spaces are still neat and tidy...

some are full of interesting artifacts and a little dusty...

some are beautifully defined...

some are just beginning to find their way...

some are old and seasoned...

some are new and tiny.

But they are all more similar than different...

and they are all bigger than just me or us.

The are all beautiful.

Today

My to-do list is getting long.

This morning, we ran errands to get some things checked off.

Two of the three things I left for...

I didn't find.

This weekend, the calendar looks pretty empty.

Most weekends are jam packed...

so hopefully I can get some of those things done.

Right now I am on couch-island as the floors dry.

Eating lunch, while the monster naps.

Every now and then, 

I like to eat lunch after she is asleep.

I just pretending I am having what she is having...

and then have my real lunch a little later.

My house smells like Murphy's Oil Soap.

I love that smell.

Floors mopped - check.

That is one thing off the list.

I would check it off...

 but the list is on my phone

and my phone is missing.

Happy 1st of March.

Week 9 of 52

Styleberry 

Firecracker Mama • Wicked Kate • What We're Saying
Love & Life • Finding Joy

Joining: Happiness Is