on three

Shhhh... I won't admit it out loud, but you guys are the boss.  We might make the rules but you're are the ones that call the shots.  The three of you teach me something new everyday - the infant, the brand new preschooler and the almost kindergartener.

I swore I wouldn't let motherhood define me.  Before you guys were here, I decided that being a mom would just be a small piece of a whole bunch of other parts that made me up.  I had no idea how huge this mom thing was, but in this picture are the three things that make me who I am.  24/7/365 I am your mom.  You are my jobs, my hobbies, and my free time.  I even write these posts, one-handed, on my phone while I nurse you Lena - hoping to copy and paste them later.  I know it won't always be this way, but for right now you three run the show.

On Valentine's Day, your daddy and I had a date night.  Thai take-out after the big kids were asleep.  We sat and had mostly uninterrupted conversation with a baby on our laps. We finished our sentences and had complete conversations.  It was amazing.  We somehow managed to get little Lena in bed and started a movie.  I made it halfway through before I fell asleep on the couch.  I am pretty sure I fell asleep smiling. 

looking up

These two crack me up.  Everyday.

In this newborn phase, I feel like I am playing catch-up all day long. But I never really get there... never catch up.  It is a blurry, exhausting, survival mode kind of time over here.  There are moments where I feel like I am doing everything wrong, and what I am not doing wrong already should have been done yesterday.  It is a time of "just making it" and constantly praying for patience, 30 minutes of more sleep, and 60 seconds of quiet.  

Then I stop and look up because these two crazy monkeys are trying to get my attention.  I make myself take a deep breath and decide to forget that I haven't showered in a while.  I just sit still. I sit and let these two entertain me with a puppet show over the back of the couch.  

It was a great show.

bath time and being needed

We had done the park - twice.  Played cars and kitchen, washed laundry and cleaned, ran errands and played in the fountain.  Theo was on his third outfit by dinner.  Eva had changed her clothes on her own a few times.  I was exhausted.  Mentally and physically.  SO many needs - and I was the only one to here to meet them.  Daddy was working a 32 hour shift - probably longer - and we were only a little over 15 hours in.  

But there is something about bath time isn't there?  The cute, naked tooshies, sudsy hair, play boats and mermaids that makes sit all okay.  Then realizing I hadn't talked to my mom in a day or two and I need to call her tonight... that is all it took to snap me out of it.  

They do need me, a lot.   They need me for everything - saving them from cars in parking lots and washing their hair.  That is what I am here for, to take care of them and keep them safe, even though I forget sometimes.  Accidental bathtub drowning by your loving sibling is a real threat.  And it is good to be needed, because one day they soon they won't need as much. Then a little later than that, they will be tired, on the bathroom floor, giving a bath,  making mental notes to call their mom before they crash into bed - because they miss her lots and need to talk to a person that knows what a day like this is like.  A pretty great, but exhausting day.

blood and tennis

One morning last week we were getting ready to head out.  Park, grocery, post office... nothing unusual.  We were all in different stages of getting ready to leave.  Eva was almost dressed, Theo needed pants and I was in the middle of dressing myself.  As I was picking out bottoms and getting ready to take off my pajama shorts... I hear a thump and an Eva scream.  I get to their bathroom and she is bloody mouthed and loosing it.  Nothing major - just a bloody lip - but tragic for her.  So I am holding, rocking, shushing and getting blood down the front of my white undershirt.  

Then I hear it.  The screen door slam.  At first I thought maybe Michael was home.  Then reality sinks in and I know it is Theo.  He has escaped.  I am trying to untangle from Eva who does not want me to put her down and run to the kitchen.  He's gone.  She's screaming, hysterically at this point.  I am running out the door, searching frantically, scanning and yelling his name.  And then I see him.

He is right across the street.  In the middle of the tennis courts - which are full to the brim with morning league play.  He has confiscated one ball already and asking for someones racket.  All games have stopped and he is getting lots of "hi's" and I hear a "where is your mommy buddy?"  

Here she is!!  Walking over, in a tight, bloody maternity undershirt and sleep shorts.  About 8 months pregnant, no shoes and a bad case bed head.   Oh, and I have no contacts on either so excuse the squint as I try to look like I am making eye contact.  But I too embarrassed to make actual eye contact, so I will be staring at eyebrows and noses.  I am right here!! Jogging over to grab my half naked two year old who I obviously let wander off, unattended.  Oh this blood, it's nothing.  My daughter just busted her lip.  Oh look! There she is - on the sidewalk screaming for me with blood trailing down her face.  Ha Ha -  she is four, he is two and yeah I am due real soon.!  Yeah, I am really going to have my hands full - your right!  Thanks guys and sorry to interrupt your game.  Have a great day!

they made me

These guys are the reason.

They made me a mommy.

These two and a little thumper we have still yet to officially meet.

Until them, I had no idea.

The 24/7 of being a mommy.

The changes it makes on your inside and outside.

How you see the world through new eyes and how you can never go back.

You never can un-mom your heart.

So thank you to my mom, to Goggy now.

Thanks for everything - every single little thing you do and have done.

Everything that I am still learning and understanding everyday.

All the things...

that only these guys can teach me.

Happy Mother's Day!

We love you.

little man

Sometimes you are so little.

When you are sleeping and mouth breathing.

When you are sad and want to be held.

But lately there has been less of the little and more of the big.

Insisting on doing it yourself.

Climbing higher than your sister and going down the big slide.

Growling at other boys on the playground to make them laugh.

Getting bloody noses and bruised knees and never crying or slowing down.

Yelling "mama mama" after lights out and laughing when I check on you.

Getting more in your mouth with a spoon that your shirt.

Singing along with the radio in the car.

Bashing and wrecking toy cars into one another until bumpers break.

Finding high spots to jump from and a fall is just reason to try again.

Than today, out of the blue...

you were playing on the floor and you stopped and ran to me.

Climbed on in my lap with a nose still a little bloody on the edges.

You pointed to your eye...

ay

then crossed your arms...

lllill

and pointed at my heart

you!

You had the biggest, proudest smile on your face.

I melting into a puddle.

I love you too little man.

little big Eva

You seem so grown-up lately.

Using big words in even bigger sentences and having conversations with a purpose.

You started being a little mama to Mr. Theodore, ordering him around and holding his hand...

even when he would rather do it himself.

Disappearing to the bedroom to read your books.

You like alone time to get lost in your stories...

 daydreaming about princesses and horses, fairies and magic spells.

Some days I stare and stare...

 wondering where the little lady in my presence came from.

It is like all the babyness just fell off and left this long and willowy girl behind.

All elbows, knees, and big eyes that seem to know more than they should.

It was rough holding things together while your brother was sick.

Days without your mom, dad and little brother...

I know it made you sad, but you never really mentioned it.

Just that you didn't want Theodore to ever be sick again...

and the next time you stay with Goggy and Poppy, you want us all to stay, together, as a family.

SO brave and big.

Then you have a bad day.

A day where listening is hard and the tears come easily.

We battle and you fight harder.

Standing your line and pushing against mine with all your might.

Time-outs turn into time-ins.

Time-in: a big hug, on my lap folded up in a ball.

It usually starts a little forced, but you quickly sink in and lay your head on my shoulder.

I tickle your back and we rock in the rocking chair until the tears go away.

And I get my baby back...

even if her legs trail down past my knees and her arms can circle my waist.

My little big Eva.

shadows and routines

We have had a lot of bedtime routines.

They seem to change as much as our little ones do.

When Eva was small...

we fed, read, sang and rocked.

We rocked and rocked and rocked.

She started asking for one more song and her back to be scratched.

And then one more song and one more song...

I wondered if I would be doing this into her teenage years.

As Eva grew...

the rocking stopped.

Not sure quite how it happened.

Maybe it was the big girl bed.

New routine was born without us realizing.

When Theodore came...

I fell out of the bedtime routine some nights.

Stories were still read and songs sang.

Unless Theo was asleep, Daddy and Eva did bedtime most nights.

Theo and I would make visits to their routine...

reading books while I nursed or singing some songs.

As Theo grew...

he made a more routine appearance at bedtime.

Sometimes he could handle it...

getting a few pages of a book with his sister.

But most of the time, I would sneak off to rock and sing by ourselves.

Slipping him into his bed after his sister was tucked in.

This time I knew it was a season and relished to rocking.

Lately...

we have all been getting ready together.

Teeth brushed and pj's on.

Then climbing into mommy and daddy's big bed.

Reading books and tickle fights.

Playing shadows with the reading light.

Eva is a giant and Theodore is "so huge!"

At most bedtimes, there are no rocks needed.

Just a song and a night night at the door.

Middle of the night rocking sessions have been a popular.

Theo is a big fan and Eva occasional has a rough night.

But earlier this week I had to move stuff out of the rocking chair.

A sewing project, some laundry and a few stray toys.

You see, there were a few nights in a row that the rocker did not rock.

some truth

Sometimes...

I stand in the kitchen just because they can't get me in there...
and they laugh at me.

Burdens

There are moments...

when being a parent, being a mom 

feels like a burden.

You are tired, hungry, and dirty.

Your brain is functioning at a level unsafe to walk up and down stairs...

let alone make sure other living creatures survive and thrive.

You find your self in a deeply heated argument at lunch time.

Fists clenched and jaw tight...

all over a preschooler wearing pants.

And you are in the same get-up from the day before.

Last night you were up pleading.

Quietly begging a little two-toothed monster for mercy.

For sleep.

Just one more hour, before his sister wakes up.

Fifty minutes later, his eyelids fall.

Tonight, both kids are sleeping and you realize we are almost out of milk.

Without milk there will be no apple oh's for breakfast...

or chocolate milk to bribe sister's silence as you rock the fussy teething baby to nap.

Before leaving to make a grocery run...

you scratch some unnamed, dried, crusty spot from the leg of the afore mention getup.

Check your face in the mirror and seeing the circles, find your biggest sunnies and head out...

in the pouring rain.

It is too dark to see with them on, so they stay in the car.

As you grab essentials and a family sized bag of chips... just for you...

you run into 2 people you know and try to catch up with quickly...

all the while thinking how cute their eyeshadow and high heels look.

Once home and sitting with your chips, searching for the remote...

you see a huge white crusty pile dried to your shoulder.

The shoulder of a very black shirt.

Nice.

Finding the remote, you hear a fuss and half cry.

The teether will need soothing, but you guess you have a few minutes.

Before those minutes pass, the preschooler is screaming.

When you give in and go in her room, she says...

Hi mommy.  Are you napping?  I love you.

After laying down the bedtime law...

while thinking how much you love the little terrorist.

You are eventually back with your unopened chips...

and the teether cries... loud.

So you rock and rock.

Come to your senses and medicate...

and rock some more.

You get a sigh and deep breath.

Complete and utter relaxation and trust.

Deeply asleep and heavy in your arms.

And that weight...

the heavy, droopy weight of a sleeping baby...

the toddler declarations of love...

when it is way past bedtime.

They aren't really burdens.

 They are quite possibly the lightest loads you could ever carry.

Relief

Back a few months ago, Theodore had his very first bottle.

Eva fed him most of it.

I had a few days of frozen milk...

and dreams of a night away in a few months.

Then Theodore's weight problems hit.

Looking back, I see what went wrong.

Theodore was never an effective feeder. 

Although he had a great latch from the delivery room...

he would take so SO long to eat.

Newborn nursing sessions are usually long, but he never sped up.

Each feeding was lasting about 45 minutes.

I should have looked into that.

I wanted to get a stash built up from the very beginning.

I pumped twice a day and packed those ounce away.

My goal was to have a few days stashed.

After I had a supply built up in the freezer, I stopped pumping.

I have a love/hate relationship with the pump after going back to work when Eva was tiny.

I should have kept pumping.

Theodore was a sleeper.

I would have to wake him up most of the time to eat.

Once he was eating he would still try to sleep.

I wanted to let him eat on-demand, 

forcing the issue only after hours had gone by.

I should have fed him on a schedule.

This was my second go-round.

I wasn't a first-timer, I had done this before.
I felt like a pro.

I had a lot more confidence and worried less.

And, I had busy toddler that kept my mind off all the little things that were there.

I should have worried more and patted myself on the back less.

So here I am with a lot of things I should have done and it all added up...

to Theodore not taking in as much as he should.

to our little man being too little.

to my supply dropping to almost nothing.

to pumping and feeding around the clock to build it back.

to unfreezing all those ounces of milk and giving them by bottle.

to me counting ever ounce - of milk and of gained weight.

Yesterday, Theodore's dinner feed was followed by a bottle as usual...

but it was half formula.

This is not where I hoped to go.

Not what I planned.

I felt like a huge failure.

Not that I think feeding your baby formula is anything close to failing.

Formula or breast milk - both are good for baby.

Both grow babies into healthy crazy toddlers.

I felt like a huge failure before that moment.

What it came down to was that I didn't do what I had planned...

I breastfed Eva without much trouble, and yet I was battling this time.

Up all hours of the night and stressing all day.

Most importantly, I wasn't growing Theodore the way he should be grown.

The most important job I had - to keep him growing and healthy...

and I wasn't getting the job done.

I was failing him.

Feeding him that bottle, something that I thought would be so hard...

was actually a relief.

When a trail dribbled down his chin...

I didn't think about those precious drops going to waste and stress about there not being enough.

I smiled and watched it soak his shirt.

He will still be mostly nursed and I am going to keep working on my supply.

But I don't have to worry anymore.

I can skip a pumping session and play outside instead.

I can sleep a little more at night and be a better mommy and wife.

I can spill a bottle of milk and not cry.

I can stop being so hard on myself and enjoy this little squishy baby time.

I can let this image go of the "perfect" way go
and do what is perfect for us, for him.

I can grow this little man into a crazy toddler.

It feels like I can breath deep again.

It is all going to be just fine.

Greet and enjoy

Somedays you just need to remember 
that even when it doesn't feel like it,

the sunshine is just a reach away.

And take a lesson from a creature much wiser than you...

When you do find it,
you should do whatever you can...

to put your whole self in a position
to thoroughly greet and enjoy it.

Fat

Operation: make Theodore fat.

After a great weight gain in the beginning of the month...

Mr. Theodore is back to not gaining weight like he should.

So that means we are back to feeding every 2 hours, whether he appreciates it or not.

From his reaction to waking him up at 3:00 a.m.
I'd can say he isn't a huge fan.

I am syringe feeding him anything that he doesn't finish up.

Going and having his latch and feeding observed.

And a couple of weight checks this week to make sure all the extra calories are sticking.

And to make things even more interesting...
we all came down with a cold this weekend.
Runny noses, fevers and coughs.

I wish I could feed him liquid Krispie Kremes.

 

A little rain and a lot of sunshine

On one of our recent car rides.

The sky was gorgeous.

Light and dark, blue and orange.

With a little rain and a lot of sunshine.

After a night of a starving Theodore who wanted to lap up his milk instead of latch...
and today, a monster who finally figured out how to take all her clothes off
and open the screen door.
Can you say toddler streaker?

I can really say that I am getting better at all of this.
More than that, I am feeling better about it.

I have been waiting for things to get "back to normal" for a while...

and I am just realizing that this IS the normal.

A brand new normal.

I used to run a pretty tight ship.
Dressed and hair fixed before breakfast.
Play dates and library times.
House pretty clean and laundry done.
Dinner made and the evening almost chore free.

The new normal.
Hair up on top of my head... slept with it in a bun.
Choosing pajamas that look kinda like normal clothes - because the public will see them.

I sniffed myself yesterday to make sure I didn't smell like spit-up and need to change.
I did a little, but it wasn't bad enough to make the effort.

Never committing to anything.
"We will try to make it." is my go-to reply.

House sanitary and clothes folded on the couch...
and in the basement
and a basket full on the dining room table...
and some on our bed.

Dinner is risky...
The other night I fed Theo while I stirred food on the stove.
At the same time, Michael was grilling and keeping Eva from riding her bike into the road.

Falling asleep...
 while reading Eva a story, feeding Theodore, folding said laundry on the couch...
or anytime I sit still for too long.

But the last few weeks have been the most insane...and the best.
Sitting down to dinner, I feel like I have won a race.
If dinner is still warm and it is with my husband, it feels like setting a new world record.

Things are looking way up.
More because of the way I am seeing it, I believe, than anything else.

Yeah it isn't all sunshine.
But the rain just makes the sky pretty
and things sparkly.

Sleep

Last night, I watched you fall asleep.

A few eye blinks and some deep breaths.
Limp legs and arms and a little snore.
Love you.

Smile

I am little blown away how a baby that sleeps over 18 hours a day can rock my world.  

Having to divide my time between both of them has been tricky.  

Then trying to finding time for anything else is almost impossible.  

It is the season... 

When I feel like I am sinking, I take a breath and look at both of them.   

Look and see how small he is and how big she has become - in the blink of an eye.  

That usual brings me back to center.  Reminds me how short these insane moments are... 

and how insanely I will miss them when they are gone.

So, as I am walking around the living room ...

holding a crying and hungry Theodore
calling out Eva's name because I am not sure where she is hiding

grasping at straws for what to make for dinner
still wearing my pajamas with spit up stains
questioning if I have time to run to the restroom
catching my reflection in the mirror - seeing dark circles and wild hair
hearing my phone ring and not knowing where it is or really caring
and I step in a little puddle in the middle of the floor 
and hope it is just juice...


Under those eyes with the dark circles...
is a smile.
Because this is really the good stuff.


   

My Monster

It is 3 am Monster and your upstairs, off in dream land.

I am sitting on the sofa.

I am doing my best to keep Theodore awake and eating.  

He has a lot of trouble eating in the night...

and I have trouble staying awake too.

Looking around the living room...

things are in piles here and there.

Some of them new to today, and some have been there for a few.

I was thinking how much I need to get better at this...

cleaning, putting away - getting back into my cleaning routine.

I know the kitchen floor needs mopped and the bathroom needs cleaned from the ceiling down.

But then I saw the dragon costume.

On top of a pile of things to go to the basement.

You found it the other day and put it on.

I am a dragon fly!

You repeated it over and over as you flew around the room.

Sleeves way too short and belly hanging out...

It wasn't that long ago when it was too big.

Yep, the piles and floors can wait...

because you just won't.

Highs and Lows

There are moments when it makes me feel like super woman.

Eva and Theodore are happy, fed and dressed.

I am wearing clean clothes and my hair is brushed.

I have made it out of the house...

and back again.

Errands done and still no tears.

Moments where you feel like you have on a red cape and can save the world.
Those are the highs.

Then there was yesterday.

I did manage a shower...

that was the highlight.

Then I answered the door...

Hair damp from the shower...

and now soaking wet on one side.

Theodore screaming because he just had a massive spit up.

That was what was soaking my hair...

some was still running down my back.

At the door was a mommy friend bringing me dinner.

Right when she walks in, Eva decides she needs to potty.

I almost drop Theodore trying to get Eva's undies down.

Her potty is in the middle of the room facing the TV.

The show that I put on for her, so I could feed Theodore, was blaring...

I never turned the volume down.

She brings in the meal...

looks around and looks at me.

The living room is a disaster.

I trip and almost drop Theodore, again.
 Stepping and tripping on a block landmine of Eva's.

She puts the bag of food down on the dining room table beside a pile of my undies...

they were at least clean and folded.

She walks into the kitchen put the cold stuff in the fridge.

In the kitchen, the gallon of milk is sitting on the counter - cap missing.

A bottle of expressed milk is waiting to be bagged and frozen on top of the stove.

Dishes mounded in the sink.

Dishwasher door hanging open, things half put away.

A pile of dirty laundry is half way up the door by the basement stairs...

Those undies were not clean.

She offers to put dinner in the oven and get it ready.

I decline the heat-up offer... 
sitting down for dinner is a long way off at this point.

Theodore is still screaming.
Eva is dancing for an M&M because she went in the potty.

Naked from the waste down, at my feet.

I say a million thank you's for the food and we say goodbye.
 Eva and I smile at the front door and wave.

Then I look down...

 I never pulled my shirt back up...

The entire front is all pushed down...

My bra just hanging out.

Nice...

And I start laughing.
Consider me humbled.

Big Sister

Eva loves her Baby Feeodore.
He is so cute.
She gives him tickles and hugs.

She told me that he sleeps a lot.
She worries when he cries.

There have been two attempts made on holding him... unassisted.
One was successful... the other we were glad we stopped it in action.

There is still a lot of adjusting.
The Eva-monster is pretty mad at her mommy.

Since Theodore was born...
I can count on one hand the number of times she has let me hold her.

I get told hourly to
go away Mommy.

That phrase stings.
And what hurts more, she is hurting.
It breaks my heart.

Every two hours I am cuddling someone else.
Holding and loving someone, that isn't her.

She gets the super tired mommy.
The one up through the night with a baby and just not as fun.

I don't ever put Theodore in time out.
He doesn't have to be patient and wait.

I know it will go away... the being so angry.
She will get used to being a sister instead of being the only.

Today is my very first day and night alone.
Mike has a 24 hour shift and it will just be the three of us.

I am hoping...
for a sleepy Theodore so I can play cars with Eva.
a decent night sleep so I can keep up with the two of them.

But mostly that...
my daughter can feel how much I love her.

Sitting Still

Dear Deedle,

It was pouring rain and rumbling thunder outside.

Random bits of sunshine breaking though only made the storm a little louder.

Eva was sleeping and we were alone.

Instead of rushing around getting things done during nap time...

I sat still for a while.

Now that we are so close to the end, I realize how the memories fade.

I try to recall these last days with Eva and it is so fuzzy.

I had my eye on the prize, and my head was living in the future.

I have been catching myself back there again...

in that waiting place.

Only thinking about you in the future.

Getting to that amazing point where I am meeting you.

You gave us quite a jolt the other day.

Hours of contractions - one right after another.

Every 5 minutes, just like a little stop watch.

I will say, I was disappointed when it stopped.

I am so excited to meet you...

to see you meet your daddy and your sister.

But it did make me realize some things.

It will be here before I know it.

You will be here so soon.

And before then, before things are just right and ready...

I have a lot of things to hang onto.

Things to really enjoy and not rush through.

Little kicks and feeling body parts.

Snuggles with your sister and alone time with her.

Getting big grins and smiles when people see my belly.

Answering questions about when you are due - they can tell it is soon.

Bumping your daddy with my belly when we hug.

So, Deedle I am going to stop waiting as much.

Time is going faster than I realize.

The perfect time for you to be here is getting closer by the minute

But in the mean time...

I am going to do some more enjoying and memory making.

See you soon.

Love Mommy