Relief

Back a few months ago, Theodore had his very first bottle.

Eva fed him most of it.

I had a few days of frozen milk...

and dreams of a night away in a few months.

Then Theodore's weight problems hit.

Looking back, I see what went wrong.

Theodore was never an effective feeder. 

Although he had a great latch from the delivery room...

he would take so SO long to eat.

Newborn nursing sessions are usually long, but he never sped up.

Each feeding was lasting about 45 minutes.

I should have looked into that.

I wanted to get a stash built up from the very beginning.

I pumped twice a day and packed those ounce away.

My goal was to have a few days stashed.

After I had a supply built up in the freezer, I stopped pumping.

I have a love/hate relationship with the pump after going back to work when Eva was tiny.

I should have kept pumping.

Theodore was a sleeper.

I would have to wake him up most of the time to eat.

Once he was eating he would still try to sleep.

I wanted to let him eat on-demand, 

forcing the issue only after hours had gone by.

I should have fed him on a schedule.

This was my second go-round.

I wasn't a first-timer, I had done this before.
I felt like a pro.

I had a lot more confidence and worried less.

And, I had busy toddler that kept my mind off all the little things that were there.

I should have worried more and patted myself on the back less.

So here I am with a lot of things I should have done and it all added up...

to Theodore not taking in as much as he should.

to our little man being too little.

to my supply dropping to almost nothing.

to pumping and feeding around the clock to build it back.

to unfreezing all those ounces of milk and giving them by bottle.

to me counting ever ounce - of milk and of gained weight.

Yesterday, Theodore's dinner feed was followed by a bottle as usual...

but it was half formula.

This is not where I hoped to go.

Not what I planned.

I felt like a huge failure.

Not that I think feeding your baby formula is anything close to failing.

Formula or breast milk - both are good for baby.

Both grow babies into healthy crazy toddlers.

I felt like a huge failure before that moment.

What it came down to was that I didn't do what I had planned...

I breastfed Eva without much trouble, and yet I was battling this time.

Up all hours of the night and stressing all day.

Most importantly, I wasn't growing Theodore the way he should be grown.

The most important job I had - to keep him growing and healthy...

and I wasn't getting the job done.

I was failing him.

Feeding him that bottle, something that I thought would be so hard...

was actually a relief.

When a trail dribbled down his chin...

I didn't think about those precious drops going to waste and stress about there not being enough.

I smiled and watched it soak his shirt.

He will still be mostly nursed and I am going to keep working on my supply.

But I don't have to worry anymore.

I can skip a pumping session and play outside instead.

I can sleep a little more at night and be a better mommy and wife.

I can spill a bottle of milk and not cry.

I can stop being so hard on myself and enjoy this little squishy baby time.

I can let this image go of the "perfect" way go
and do what is perfect for us, for him.

I can grow this little man into a crazy toddler.

It feels like I can breath deep again.

It is all going to be just fine.