Typing Again

A little while ago, to show Eva an old photo, I came back to the blog.
She asked me why I stopped writing.
Then, dissatisfied with my answer, told me I should start again.

She is what brought me here in the first place.
A place to save the stories and to hold onto the memories a little tighter.
It seemed fitting, on her birthday, to come back to writing again. 

Writing to Eva.

Dear one, you turn 12 today. 

Looking for a recent photo of of you, I have lots of pictures in-between to get to you now. 
My camera roll used to be mostly of your sweet face .
Camera shy now unless making crazy faces and taking selfies with your friends. 
Only letting me take this one because Mr. Benjamin was snuggling you
and you wanted it documented.

A lot has happened in 12 years.
Since we walked into the hospital on that cold January morning.
So excited to meet you, our little human, our Deedle.
Your dad and I vibrated down the halls.
Very clueless about this baby raising gig
and even more ignorant of how very clueless we were.
We were ecstatically so.

Of all the things that have changed me the most in my life,
I think almost every single one can be traced to you, to Eva.
Being your mom has made me better, stronger and wiser
than any course, class or self help book could.
Like it or not, you are the very reason Eva isn't an only child
- although you wish for on occasion.
Having 4 kiddos wasn't in my plan, but you changed my mind. 

Over the last year I have learned even more about you.
How did you keep it a secret from me how shy and reserved you are out in the world?
And also, how could I think "real world" Eva and "at home" Eva would be exactly the same?
You listen and take-in all that is around you.
Get nervous and stage fright to the point of sickness.
Somehow manage to look cool as a cucumber when it is showtime. 

The courage and fight you have in that tiny and very long body of yours,
makes me dig deep for my own.  
The way you stand up for what is right
and push back against what isn't is a truly beautiful sight to behold.
You brave girl, push me back on my heels,
make me proud and amazed at the same time.

As we enter into these teen years, I know the learning has just begun for me.
I trust you to lead the way, and know I will love you and walk beside you through it.
Even, Eva when you become taller than me. 
Only 1/2 inch to go.  

Happiest Birthday my Eva.