10.13.2011

Not figuring it out

River in Autumn


I have spent a lot of time thinking lately...
the kind of thinking that starts with this question:
What do I want to be when I grow up?

I have never been one of those people...
the special ones who know from birth (or close enough)
their perfect career and life plan to retirement.

People like that are amazing to me...
their passion, conviction, dedication and confidence.
(Michael... I am talking to you even though your retirement plan is to never do it.)

I used to beat my self up about it.
How can a relatively smart and educated person have no clue about her own life?

Yeah, I had a great career and I worked my butt off to get it.
But, on that first day at my new job, I had no plans on being there nine years.
I started there on a temporary assignment for goodness sake.

I changed my major at least 5 times.
I never aimed for that corner office and title...
or even imagined myself there.

Eva and Michael on a Path

Now that the monster is talking and speaking her mind...
thoughts have been swirling in my head about the after.

I realize that she won't be staying home with me forever.
No matter how hard I try to keep her small and all mine.
When/if we have more monsters... they will grow up too.

So where does that leave me?

After the years of working because I had to...
our house payment and refrigerator required a paycheck.
I get a do over.

I have a chance to be what I always wanted to be.
But I still have no idea what that is.

But I did figure out part of the problem.
I have been asking myself the wrong questions.

Who do I want to be?  
Does it pay well?  
What degree do I need? 
How long will it take?  
What will people think?

I don't have it all figured out or all the answers...
but I did find the right question.
(Thanks again Michael, my amazing husband.)

What do I love to do?

It has more than one answer...
and many different roads...
but I am smiling just thinking about it all.

It is a good place to start.

and then, she {snapped}   

10 comments:

deb duty said...

Both are beautiful photos! Lovely sun flare and such a beautiful path for a walk! I hope you can figure out something that you will love doing.

Heidi said...

That is the best and most important question. I am excited for you, friend. (Is it totally selfish of me to hope that your answer includes lots of travel that brings you here to sit on my couch and drink coffee while the monsters play?)

Cari from Bubble Gum on my Shoe said...

Oh I love this post, and your hubs is right. Why are you in such a rush to figure it out? It will all unfold when the time is right. I still don't have it figured out, but that's the best part. I'm not locked into anything, being with my kids as often as I can is all I want for right now.

Bruce Sallan (@BruceSallan) said...

Think of all you've learned on your various journeys!? How grand that is. So what if you didn't wear a stethoscope in the crib!

Amy said...

discover your world, nessa! i'm so very excited to watch it unfold through your beautiful blog.

Seeing Each Day said...

I love these cleverly captured 'big picture' photos to go alongside your big picture thinking. And I think you've hit the nail on the head with your last question.

azjuleseleven said...

I can speak from my years to tell you that life never turns out how you plan or intend it. And sometimes that's the entire lesson.

Let each day speak to you. The messages will make themselves known soon enough. And in the meantime, lean on cliches. Carpe Diem Nessa!

azjuleseleven said...

I can speak from my years to tell you that life never turns out how you plan or intend it. And sometimes that's the entire lesson.

Let each day speak to you. The messages will make themselves known soon enough. And in the meantime, lean on cliches. Carpe Diem Nessa!

ShonEjai said...

Beautiful photos!

Carol said...

Beautifully written, my friend. I never longed for the corner office. I have a degree I am not using and probably never will. My next step is to do what makes me happy...and I'm doing it(outside of 9-3).